Dear Data-Breach Victim:
By now you are aware that you are the victim of a data breach. You assumed as much, because the only mail you receive amounts to notices of data breaches, medical bills, and solicitations to donate to a good cause (maybe with a little graphic of a snowflake or a hopeful puppy or a gallbladder around the address window), whose senders will eventually contact you about a data breach. Your mail also sometimes contains postcards from your mother, who is certainly the victim of a data breach. She probably just gave her data away after clicking on a sponsored Google result that said “Real Rapid Passport Renewal Easy Online.”
Please know that we take your privacy very seriously. In fact, that seriousness is why you have no idea who we are or why we have your data. But rest assured: when we purchased your data, we placed it under maximum encryption, separating your home address from MRI images of your most vulnerable bones. Regrettably, an incident occurred involving the part of our network that stores digital replicas of your nude abdomen after you’ve eaten beef pad Thai.
This notice describes the data-breach incident, the steps we have taken in response, and what you can do next.
What Happened?
In or around November or February, 2018/24, we detected suspicious activity within our system. It was not like in the movies, where a big red “ALERT” message flashes onscreen, but there was a honking Klaxon alarm, and someone with a V.R. headset whispered, “This wasn’t in the [expletive] training manual.” We are working with a cybersecurity firm to identify the missing expletive.
What Information Was Involved?
Your name, SSN, TIN (if that’s different, still unclear), credit score, most embarrassing bowling score, and favorite fruit, plus the wildest place you’ve ever “done it,” the name of the street where you grew up, and all of the above for everyone who has ever “done it” in a wild place on the street where you grew up (behind a mailbox!).
Was This Identity Theft?
You seem to be asking a lot of questions. Who are you, anyway? One of the identity thieves?
Circle: Y/N.
What Constitutes Your “Identity”?
You’re pretty far into life and you still don’t know. Most days, you’re not much more than the sum of your insecurities. If left alone for more than a few minutes without the structure of routine, you begin to cry. You can’t identify what it means to be yourself, let alone a human being. In the end, did you choose your career simply to better understand your parents? How is it that, when they were your age, they moved so naturally through the adult world? And have you seen this thing about “plastistone” rocks? It’s a new form of sedimentary geology; stones fused with plastic garbage have been found on multiple continents, the same plastics that lurk inside your cells, and within your kids, progress and negligence intertwined on the downslope of history.
All of your defining uncertainty was stolen and is being used by criminals to buy ruffle-hem Capris on strawberryfashion.com.
What Are We Doing?
In addition to sending this notice—which wasn’t that hard, but wasn’t, like, no work—we are offering you eighteen months of free identity monitoring from SecurIDeadbolt, the only A.I.-powered fraud-detection app endorsed by John Cena or a convincing likeness of John Cena. In addition, we are investigating whether we can train a dog to sniff out malware. His name is Rusty; please send us five dollars in the enclosed envelope to sponsor his work.
What Can You Do?
We recommend the following steps to protect your information:
- Remain vigilant. While one eye reads this sentence, the other should scan the room for fraudsters and mountebanks. There! By the bookshelf! (Hm, no. That’s just your beloved parakeet, Bernie.)
- Set up fraud alerts by contacting one of the three major credit bureaus (Experiman, Snarlax, TransDunkin). Anyone who requests your credit report will receive a message that—wait, behind the sofa, is that a masked swindler? Approach with caution; he hasn’t seen you yet. There, that’s it. And... aha! Never mind. Just that clumsy footman, cleaning up a spill. Seems to have dropped his saucer of private data.
- For California residents: Must be nice to live out there in the sun and surf.
Is There More Information You Should Know?
Yes, but we’re not just going to put it here where anyone can steal it. See? We’re already rebuilding your trust.♦
